Damon Winter/The New York Times
Hal is a marketing executive from Silicon Valley. Hal is age 51. Pictured here in a modest blue collar dress shirt, in front of a suburban looking backyard fence, Hal is the exemplar of a recent New York Times front-page story chronicling the woes of a new class of American society: the middle class rich.
Hal works 12 hours a day, arriving at work at 7am most mornings. He works an average of 10 hours on the weekend. He has a $1.2 million home that is paid off and he and his spouse are worth an estimated $3.5 million. Good job, Hal.
Hal says “a few million doesn’t go as far as it used to.” For fun, let’s see what Hal might be able to do if he liquidated a mere 1/2 of his assets. $3.5 mill / 2 = $1.75 mill. Say the feds were to take almost half. Hal would be left with about $1 million to play around with while the other $1.75 mill would continue to mature in the diversified investments of his choice.
With roughly $1 million – free and clear – Hal and his family may choose to: Purchase a seaside villa on the South Coast of Jamaica. 8 bed, 8 bath w/ “beautiful ocean and mountain views”… more details
At a mere $675,000 (he could probably do better with a little leg-work) minus $25,000 to grease some local wheels, Hal & Co could settle down w/ roughly $350,000. According to the World Bank, an average Jamaican family subsists on under $4000 a year. If they could squeeze by on merely 3Xs the local average – $12,000/year – Hal & Co should be able to make it until Old Hal turns 80. That’s 3 years past the average life expectancy for an American and 5 years past that of a Jamaican. Not bad, Hal.
Do you have any other thoughts of how to help Hal?
This is just silly class-bait for educated lower middle class NYT readers – Woodward & Bernstein wouldn’t wipe their ass with a story like this, esp. in wartime – but, hey, I’m a few dollars above the poverty line AND a community-college dropout – I’ll bite!
Hal, I have a few thoughts on your predicament. First up, Hal, beware of eager young journalists looking to capitalize on editorial cynicism and lack of vision by grafting a non-story “lifestyle” piece to the average American’s seething internal rage and paranoia regarding the upper class. Hal, if you do get suckered into disclosing your story, be sure to frown for the photographer – we (the aforementioned NYT-reading Everypeople) prefer our moneyed patsies to be condescending and stern, like our own fathers. The smug, shit-eating smirk plus douche-y blue shirt look just doesn’t convey the right sense of “You’ll never make it over here, little man.” or whatever the fuck it is rolling through your gilded Id.
And Hal, my friend, whilst commuting home every night at 8pm, listening to the WSJ podcast or maybe some Foghat on the local classic rock station, reach down and punch yourself in the nuts. Just do it, Hal. Repeatedly. Consider it a direct manifestation of the guilt you feel at missing out on the one thing that could possibly redeem your fucked up life – time spent with your family.
And Hal! Read some McLuhan for gawd’s sake! Then nut-punch yourself again, and repeat.